Addicted to noise
I like to do most things accompanied by some sort of noise. It’s usually a podcast, some music, or Netflix playing in the corner of my screen.
Silence seems too much sometimes, too open, too empty.
So I fill it with stuff. Things that entertain me, give me ideas, a sense of connection.
Listening to podcasts makes me feel as though I am part of something bigger than my daily experience. I love listening to contemplations on the nature of consciousness, art and marketing and strategies for better living.
The thing is now I feel full and empty at the same time.
Regulating my intake is tricky. It’s like wanting a cup of coffee. There is a certain amount of belligerent entitlement - I want it so I will have it. What harm is there?
The problem is though, that the body and the mind have a way of telling you when things are too much. I have the equivalent of coffee jitters for my mind.
It’s not easy to admit. I don’t like being addicted to anything. It reminds me of Carlos Castaneda and the advice of Don Juan to ‘stalk yourself’.
The idea of stalking yourself is to free yourself of habitual behaviour. If you were an animal drinking at the same watering hole every day, then your behaviour could lead you closer to your death as a predator could easily be watching and learning.
Therefore the secret to living a longer life is to stalk your own habits and shift them when you start feeling stuck.
This is how I feel now, but something is already starting to shift within me. I believe that change can be much easier when you don’t hold on too tightly and focus your attention on how you want to feel.
I want to hear the birds singing more. I want to clear spaces in my mind that allow me to breathe and find my own thoughts again. To not want to constantly fill each moment with more pictures, more comments, other people’s thoughts.
It’s time to feel free and allow myself to daydream.